Book 1 — Chapter 13

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Day: Hynxina

Date: 8

Month: Nokaokarium 

Quarturn: 1618

Location: The city of Hylaton

 

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Tane sat on the wooden bench and adjusted himself to the less-than-forgiving contour of its design. He looked at Jacinth, who had sat next to him, and offered a supportive expression. One that was met with a light smile of acknowledgment and appreciation before he turned his attention forward. 

 

As he followed Jacinth’s lead, he listened as the Consign spoke. 

 

“Deo isn’t just a product of our imaginations, it is an amalgamation of our farthest memories. That being said, while engaging our charges and each other on such topics, we cannot forget Sanctuary’s primary focus is community and self-mastery.”

 

“A lot of people are triggered by the concept of self-responsibility,” another Consign responded with a jest in their voice. 

 

As several chuckles rose from both the Consigns and the audience, Tane felt the chuckle strike him as well, knowing there was both truth and exaggeration in the words — the truth being the most amusing part. 

 

But as the conversation continued, his attention waned as his eyes gazed over the Sanctuary he was now sitting in. 

 

The building itself was typical to Sanctuaries worldwide from what he could discern, though they often reflected their environment in maintenance and tone. But being Hylaton, it was one of the more lovely he had been in. 

 

Most Sanctuaries had a similar layout. A south entrance that opened into a vestibule that led to a grand hall. The building’s shape was akin to the temporary geodesic dome shelters they often used on the ranch. Though this one was by far larger and more permanent. Further, the nave of the dome featured four deep alcoves that jutted out from the main hall, strikingly facing towards the four intercardinal points. Finally, the north exit often was followed by cloisters, which led to Sanctuary grounds that included features like gardens and Consign residences. 

 

Sanctuaries' interiors always struck him as an attempt to convey to the charges a sense of equality, as the benches surrounded the center in broken concentric circles. The center was another statement in metaphor, as it featured a multi-platformed stone table with 22 pillars supporting the top; the easily discernible 22 rules as the foundation of the top that represented society. 

 

He chuckled to himself, as it wasn’t particularly subtle, but sometimes there was no room for subtlety. 

 

His eyes continued to scan as they moved on to some of the more vague and almost enigmatic aspects of the Sanctuary. The geometric designs, the sacred geometry, that found its way to every surface of the building. It was interesting to him; from the historical studies that were part of his compulsory education, he knew several of the founders of Sanctuary had conjectured Deo to be a geometrician. It wasn’t something that Sanctuary had ascribed to and promoted officially, but the tenets and the origins were always present. 

 

Suddenly, a voice coming from one of the Consigns caught his attention as she spoke. 

 

“I beg to differ. I know, I’m one to declaim that there is an exception to every rule. However, that includes there being an exception, to the exception, to every rule.” 

 

As several chuckles arose — his along with it — he appreciated the comment in the framework of absolutes. But his mind didn’t linger on the thought for long, as the Consign continued in a more serious tone. 

 

“Asking ‘if, insert premise here, is natural and therefore not evil’ is meaningless in this context. What matters is that ethics are emergent and evolve. Sexual assault is incompatible with society. We know, beyond any doubt, that it is immensely harmful to the victim. Whether or not it’s natural does not logically assign to it being a healthy situation. The Pillars are a guidance to not only live with a heart of loving conscience, but to secure the inalienable rights of you and your fellow beings.”

 

“Okay, but designating natural occurrences as good and evil implies agency of said natural …” another Consign voice spoke, before yet another Consign, who seemed to take offense to the observation, quickly interrupted them. “We don’t …” 

 

As his attention was taken by the again raise of chuckles and adjustments by those around him, he could see why, as the debate was becoming lively. But his mind was looking for confirmation, as he leaned in to Jacinth and whispered his question. 

 

“Was that Raer? The one who was speaking about the exception to the exception of rules. I can’t see well from here, but I thought I recognized her voice.” 

 

Jacinth nodded and turned his head slightly, keeping his eyes focused forward as he spoke. 

 

“Yes. She is in excellent form today.” 

 

His attention was again pulled to Raer’s voice as she laughed and spoke.

 

“Well, we don’t want to overcomplicate things. Yes, there’s a diametric relationship of good and evil … but it’s not what I would observe as a pure dichotomy. And again, noting my previous remakes … I would attribute more of a sliding scale between the two.”

 

He felt his own eyebrows rise to the comment, as it was something he could indeed entertain as a sincere premise. But for the most part, it was near folly for him to even argue such. He believed that if any truth was to be had, it was beyond our current comprehension. Not that he didn’t appreciate the tenets of Sanctuary — they made genuine sense. However, due to his upbringing, he was never near enough to a Sanctuary to instill the practice of community and guidance. 

 

His eyes glanced toward Jacinth, who — with a grin on his face and a nodding gesture to the spirited debate at hand — was most certainly a man of Sanctuary. From the conversations they had shared over the years, he knew that Jacinth was not only a theist, but was exceptionally fond of the way Sanctuary approached such matters. Further, Jacinth was inclined toward the counsel and social aspects of the convention. This not only made him a frequent patron, but also a regular recipient of their counsel.

 

It was that reason that brought them there. Jacinth’s practice often brought him to Sanctuary on Hynxina’s middays, as they offered a “Consign Discussion Observation.” A time in which Consigns would take part in a roundtable discussion where they would discuss topics such as functional matters to philosophical consideration that was determined integral to a Consign's methods and growth. It was a means of transparency for the public. To witness not only some of the more operational aspects of how their donations and such were spent, but of how Consigns came to their more perspicacious considerations towards existence. 

 

However, this day was two-fold, as Jacinth had received word that one of his most trusted Consign companions was again in town, and could receive him for counsel and socializing. It was something that since he had finally talked Jacinth into going out that night — as he had promised Amala the week earlier to do — he would just stick by Jacinth’s side for the day to make certain he wouldn’t try to excuse his way out. 

 

His attention was again taken, as the woman and the person Jacinth was there to seek, Raer spoke. 

 

“Why should we be afraid of not knowing something; not having answers?” her voice paused as she expressed a thoughtful hum before continuing. “I say this for not just our charges here today, but also for the more novice Consigns. I’m not afraid of not knowing something. It’s actually quite liberating. More importantly, in my experience, it has fostered a great deal of trust from my charges when I’m willing to admit my ignorance and maintain my silence. Because they can internalize that when I do speak from knowledge, they know I’m speaking from a place of genuine authority. They can trust my words and they have gravity. Again, humility isn’t just a liberating practice for your own peace … but it’s a way to cultivate a profound connection between you and your charges. So when you break your silence and speak, people know it’s worth listening to.” 

 

He glanced at Jacinth, as it was a habitude that could be synonymous with Jacinth’s ethos. However, it was one that struck him with a margin of fear. For it wasn’t Jacinth’s silence of late that was indicating to him a humility towards some ignorance, but a shroud to knowledge he wasn’t willing to share, and what concerns accompanied them. 

 

• • •

 

Tane watched as Raer studied the vending machine, her mouth pursing and lips biting with what seemed to be careful consideration. It brought a light chuckle to him; while he was well aware, he was observing a grown and competent woman — she, too, had a sweetness about her he could easily imagine bordered on innocence. But perhaps that is why Jacinth had in past conversations regarding her described her as “sweetness and light.”

 

Though conversely, given that Raer was a Consign, he also could easily guess she had seen her share of malfeasance the world over, and met it with a formidable response. And perhaps that was what was the most beguiling. Everything about her semblance and countenance impressed that she was mild, gentle, and restrained. Her 154-centimeter height housed a rounded 35-percent body fat frame that moved in an easy, almost graceful manner. Her very light complexion, with its cool undertones, was highlighted by her large curled light-brown hair that she wore short, and pulled back off a face whose features only added to the soft perception. She wasn’t wasn’t what he would qualify as conventionally beautiful, but she was to behold … sweet. 

 

He chuckled to himself again, to Raer’s animated expression, as she counted her coins and her nose scrunched in sincere disappointment. But as she seemed to not have given up and began to count again, it brought to light perhaps one of her more striking features of her appearance; the tattoos on her hands. Light in color — almost as if they have been done poorly and faded over the years — they didn’t have what he thought was a concise shape. They looked more akin to tree roots as they formed near the wrists and twisted and looped as they moved down toward the fingers. It was strange to him, in that he knew he had heard of such before. Somewhere far away in his cultural studies, he had heard of people who had such tattoos. But even when curiosity had gotten the best of him, and he tried to research, no concrete information could be found. With a singular exception — it was often attributed to peoples of the Shattered Continent. And that was something he could well believe, as he was convinced that the continent hid millions upon millions of people who simply wanted to be left alone. 

 

His attention was taken as Jacinth’s roamphone let out a beep, indicating the call he was on had concluded. He turned his head and looked at Jacinth, as a sigh moved from his lips, and he asked. 

 

“Everything okay?”

 

Jacinth raised his eyebrows and titled his head, as he seemed to consider the question. But in a moment of decisive furtiveness, he evaded the question and spoke with an upbeat tone. 

 

“Let us go see if we can save Raer from her generosity.” 

 

• • •

 

Tane looked at his roamphone, and he held back slightly from Jacinth and Raer as they walked up the park path arm and arm. He quickly typed his response to Amala, again promising to make certain to bring Jacinth to the club that night. 

 

“Everything satisfactory?” he heard Jacinth ask. 

 

He finished his text and returned his roamphone to his pocket as he offered a smile and spoke.

 

“Amala again. She’s persistent.” 

 

As Jacinth chuckled and nodded in agreement, he offered. 

 

“Was concerned you were feeling like a triviality because of our conversation.” 

 

“Further,” Raer spoke in a bright tone, “I would offer you my other arm, but I think you’re not exactly the touchy-feely type.” 

 

As he moved forward to catch up with them as they continued their walk, he corrected both their assertions. 

 

“While your conversation doesn’t really have much input needed from me, I don’t feel unwelcome. And while I may appear not the ‘touchy-feely type,’ as you put it, I’m actually fond of friendly contact. Only the person has to be very persuasive, as I carry with me enough insecurities to make me … I guess you can say … shy towards it.” 

 

“I suppose we’re at an impasse then, as I almost always oblige the word ‘no’ as a full sentence and won’t press further,” Raer responded with a giggle. 

 

He nodded and smiled as they continued up the path, deeper into the park. 

 

The conversation between Jacinth and Raer returned to speaking about donations that had been made to Sanctuary down in Melchior, and Jacinth effused on how he was seeing the tangible effects inspiring more around him to donate. 

 

Tane’s attention moved toward the surroundings. This particular greenspace was one of the best in Hylaton. Though, that honestly wasn’t saying much. As for some strange reason, Hylaton wasn’t keen on parks. It seemed to be something done by design; Cartmel had always pushed the narrative that Hylaton was not a family-friendly city. That narrative seemed to become an agenda, as few parks, greenspace, or even compulsory education institutions were to be found in the city. This forced most families to set their sights on Anahita for residences and meant that commuter work was the norm.

 

Though, given how often rapid train services moved back and forth between Anahita and Hylaton — and for that matter, all of the “satellite cities” — it seemed that the lack in Hylaton was just hand-waved away as a “you’ll have that,” and people were content with the arrangements. It was most apparent on these days, as being the weekend, the park was noticeably empty, illustrating how many people commuted and left the city eerily deserted. 

 

He took a deep breath as some of the early fall flowers were making their appearance. He felt a small smile come to him; their scent ebbed and flowed with intensity as they rode the waves of air dictated by the light breezes. 

 

But his smile faded as his eyes came on two men, who looked to be park maintenance, fidgeting with a waste receptacle. It wasn’t something that would have led to such a reaction, as he most certainly didn’t turn his nose up at such a profession. The frown, which was now firmly upon his face, was due to his knowledge base. Having friendships with persons like Amala, he had been privy to the many conversations of all the mundane details of city management. This included not only the working hours of park management, but knowing the uniforms and insignias that the employees wore. These men were both working off hours and were wearing the incorrect-colored coveralls that were void of the city insignia on the back. 

 

His mind wondered if it was worth his worry. It could have a very logical explanation. And further, his mind, in moments like this, would recall something his grandmother would always say — how paranoia was contagious. Given that he worked for perhaps the most paranoid person in the world, he did sometimes wonder if his Gran was right, and his perceptions were skewed due to “catching” paranoia. 

 

But as he was actively trying to push the suspicion away, it only rose as one of the men plainly noted their approach and informed his companion, leading both to clearly take different stances and views. 

 

“Jacinth,” he spoke in a hushed tone. 

 

As the conversion between Jacinth and Raer paused, Jacinth also lowered his voice as he acknowledged. 

 

“I saw them as well. I believe the WARS are out in force today.” 

 

He let out a breath of tepid relief and dismay, as his mind considered if Jacinth was correct, and what that could mean. 

 

Though sometimes still referenced as “Watchers,” WARS stood for “Watch and Report Specialists.” He nearly rolled his eyes, as it was something dubbed by Cartmel that caught on; she really loved her esoteric acronyms. WARS were persons who operated as freelance spies, either independently or as part of a syndicate. Though, like most organizations who serviced “in the shade,” they had their hands in other illegal activities, which made openly associating or employing with them a criminal action — and a very poor look.

 

However, Cartmel either didn’t care about the optics, or felt she was discrete enough to utilize them on the regular. Not only to “watch and report’’ on Jacinth’s undertakings, but to do the same on dozens of Hylatee employees and Minu politicians. Yet, he wasn’t going to be myopic about it. While the world was generally peaceful, he knew these people didn’t operate inside a vacuum. They were filling a need that was beyond just Cartmel, as he could imagine even the most respected individual or government, occasionally, requested their assistance.

 

He glanced at Jacinth, as they came directly in front of the apparent WARS and he addressed them. 

 

“Good-day, Seni. I’m sorry to inform you there will not be much information to gather today. Unless you’re interested in hearing about charity matters and a little relationship gossip. Otherwise, I would encourage you to enjoy this beautiful day while you can … before the weather turns for the season.” 

 

Tane couldn’t help but chuckle a little at Jacinth’s boldness in addressing them directly. 

 

As the men looked at each other, they stopped their feigned work and began to walk away. Though Jacinth turned and called over to them. 

 

“We will be at the Augury Club tonight, however. Perhaps you will find better fortunes there.” 

 

One of the men lifted his hand up in acknowledgement, but neither of them turned or verbally responded to Jacinth’s words. 

 

He turned to Jacinth and spoke around his chuckle. 

 

“That was both impressive and wholly satisfying.” 

 

“I would be insulted by their audaciousness and the slight at my intelligence if I cared for their opinions. They are either getting bolder or more careless. Either way, it is noteworthy,” Jacinth replied with both a curt tone and a worry in his voice. 

 

• • •

 

As Raer passed out the vending machine food and drinks she had treated everyone to, she spoke with an excitement in her voice. 

 

“So … to make sure your words to the Watchers aren’t false, I do have a little relationship-esque gossip for you. I think I found the one.” 

 

Tane felt the laugh come to him as Jacinth’s face contorted into disbelief and surprise as he asked. 

 

“The one? As in, I will be needing to start looking for Union gifts in the future?”

 

As Raer continued to empty her bag of all the necessities needed for the meal, she gestured with a hand-wave and clarified herself. 

 

“Oh, Dear Deo, no. I’m convinced that ship sank on its way to port solar years ago.” 

 

He and Jacinth both laughed heartily as Raer sat and continued. 

 

“I mean the soul-family one. Soul-sister, in this case. I’m blessed to have many dearest friends, such as yourself Jacinth, who are soul-family. But I haven’t been able to meet that one, that kindred spirit, who I can relate to on a feminine level. And oh, Jacinth,” Raer brought her hands to her heart with a sincere gasp of happiness as she continued. “She’s just … amazing. It wasn’t but a couple of hours into us talking that I fell madly in love with everything she is. She’s otherworldly intelligent. Inspiringly brave. And she’s so open. She’s so damn effortlessly wonderful … she’s the one.” 

 

“I need a “the one,” he joked with a chuckle as he asked. “Is she single?” 

 

“Oh, Tane,” Raer gushed with soft empathy, “She is. However, and I’m sorry to disappoint you, I’m confident she has eyes for someone. Which is a shame, as while I know you’re not a shallow idiot, you both would be speechless with her beauty. Seriously … she’s a ‘deosis,’ beautiful.” 

 

“Well shit, Raer,” he teased with a laugh, “Hype her up to the point I’m smitten by proxy, and let me down like that.” 

 

His laugh increased as Raer giggled hard at the tease and seemingly took a little to heart as her face blushed. But Raer’s and his attention were taken, as Jacinth, who too was laughing, offered his thoughts. 

 

“I am sorry to hear that for you too, Tane. But at least you will have good company in the lost-and-found box with the rest of us.” 

 

“Here, here!” Raer exclaimed with another laugh that was shared by them all. 

 

As the laughs subsided, the smile remained on his face as he was truly enjoying the moment. Not only with the company and conversation, but having a small meal in the park, at one of the lovely gazebos that dotted its grassy hills and flower gardens.

 

But it was a smile he knew wouldn’t last the entirety of the meal; as Jacinth let out a sigh as he stirred his food with an air of diversion. He glanced at Raer, who met his eyes as she too seemed to note the subtext of the sigh, and chewed hurriedly before she spoke. 

 

“Well, now that I’ve made you an honest man, my dearest Jacinth, what’s on your mind?”

 

His eyes moved to Jacinth as he smiled to Raer’s tease, but Jacinth’s brow furrowed and pushed his mouth down with it as he seemed to debate his words. As his mouth opened and closed several times, he finally found the appropriate segue as Jacinth asked. 

 

“I was never clear on what instruction you go through as a Consign.” 

 

“Oh,” Raer spoke with a bit of surprise in her voice before she answered. “There are several quarturns of formal training. Though it’s institutional training, I’ve never actually been to a proper school. But regarding the institutional training … all Consigns … they get to choose their own path from several tracks. My particular study was on the philosophy of science and spirituality. Two full quarturns of that. Additionally, I was required to complete one full quarturn of logic and reasoning. One full quarturn of holistic thinking. Two full quarturns of counseling with some psychology … granted, only enough to know when you’re to direct someone to more professional hands. Management. Public speaking. History. Cultural studies. Basic first aid. And various optional courses like conflict resolution and de-escalation. But there are other tracts that focus on such things like child care or end of life guiding. Just varies on the path that speaks to the Consign. Though we always have continuing education, as new techniques and theories are brought to our attention … to keep us current and informed.” 

 

“You mentioned philosophy,” Jacinth commented. 

 

Raer nodded but didn’t elaborate as Jacinth continued. 

 

“I was told recently philosophy is the taking of complex abstract ideas and presenting them in a discernible and relatable manner. As if you become a bit of a storyteller.” 

 

Raer beamed at Jacinth’s description as she asked. 

 

“And what story would you like me to tell you, Jacinth?”

 

Tane felt his own smile pull to his face as he was both enjoying hearing the conversation and very curious about where Jacinth was leading it to. He watched as Jacinth chewed his food slowly, using it as a buffer to ask the question. As Jacinth swallowed, his voice turned to one of hesitance as he asked. 

 

“I would like you to tell me a story of Consigns who take part in a particular ceremony that isn’t sanctioned by Sanctuary.”

 

They both turned their attention to Raer, as her eyebrows raised and her smile widened in an expression of coyness. As she rubbed her lips together and nodded, she let out a sigh of what seemed to be acquiescence and responded. 

 

“Ceremony is a funny matter. It can be viewed as something silly … or something quite necessary. I don’t say this to shift any sort of responsibility, but I don’t believe I know anyone who doesn’t engage in some form of ritual. While we might not recognize it as such … but even something as simple as setting our tables for a meal can be a formality that could be observed as ceremonious. But to your direct question, some Consigns have found that while respecting the tenets of Sanctuary, it helps us focus our purpose with a small practice that revolves around what we feel are the three most guiding principles as a Consign, ones that are akin to the Pillars … to always improve oneself, to be a charge to the less fortunate and those in need … and to live a life so beautiful and successful, you’ll be remembered for the right reasons.” 

 

“It’s that last one that has my attention, as I understand there has been some discussion surrounding the premise of egoistic altruism,” Jacinth commented with a hint of a smile in his expression and voice. 

 

Tane adjusted himself, as he was truly becoming enraptured with the conversation at hand. His eyes turned to Raer, who let out a voice of understanding as she spoke. 

 

“Ahhhhh … there it is. I was wondering where this was going. You’ve been talking to Master Consign Linkraf.”

 

“I may have been,” Jacinth responded with his own coyness.

 

But as Jacinth’s face turned to one more serious and sad, he felt his brow furrow in worry; Jacinth pushed his food aside and let out a breath that was reflective of his expressions. His eyes glanced towards Raer, who spoke in a soft, concerned tone. 

 

“This is something weighing heavily on you. I’m here for you. Friend and Consign. However you need.” 

 

“I don’t wish to ruin our meal,” Jacinth spoke in his own soft tone. 

 

“Raer and I are well-accustomed to unpleasant moments during pleasant times. We both can survive whatever you have to say,” he offered with sincere encouragement. 

 

He watched as Jacinth offered a half-hearted smile to his words and nodded. As Raer followed Jacinth’s lead and pushed her food aside, she brought her hand to the table and wordlessly offered it to Jacinth, who took it with no hesitation. 

 

“I … My father’s family. They have very particular thoughts about life and business. Purpose in life. Purpose in business. My grandparents on my father’s side were, and are still, very encouraging in promoting purpose driven business. I …” Jacinth paused, as it seemed his thoughts were scattered. He continued with an unrelated thought. “I am coming to a precipice at which I will have to make a decision.”

 

As Jacinth let out another breath, one that sounded more distressed than the previous, he seemed to decide about what he was going to share as he nodded to himself and continued. 

 

“You know of my uncle, Brisocas. He had a brother. The son of my late grandfather’s first Union. Or better said, to sound less dispassionate, I had another uncle. I did not have much of a relationship with him,” Jacinth let out a voice of exasperation as he continued. “I am sorry. My mind is finding this very difficult to share.” 

 

“You don’t have to share anything that is distressing you,” Raer reminded Jacinth as she brought her other hand up to meet his. 

 

Jacinth’s gaze moved to the table; he seemed to focus on nothing in particular as he nodded and responded. 

 

“I would like to share this, if you are willing to carry some of the weight of these memories.” 

 

“We both are, Jacinth,” he offered with as much of a sincere and resolute voice as he could provide. 

 

“Go on, please,” Raer encouraged. 

 

He watched as Jacinth returned his attention to the table as he spoke. 

 

“You see … when I was very young, about the age of five-quarturns, my family all lived in a large complex in town. One day, my uncle, with whom I hardly had any contact despite sharing the same building … he took his own life. It was … our parking garage was, like most, raw with exposed beams, pillars, and the likes. My uncle had devised his ending by climbing up to one of the beams and securing a rope from it to his neck. It seemed he was afraid of what he was going to do as he brought with him copious amounts of alcohol and his roamphone. He sat up there for untold hours, drinking and looking at whatever images and videos were part of his plan. Of course, after several bottles of alcohol, he passed out, fell off the beam, and fulfilled his intentions. My late father … he tried to protect me from all that had happened. But with so many people there to investigate and such, my curiosity and lack of understanding … it impaired my judgment, and I snuck down during the chaos and saw for myself.”

 

Tane pushed down the knot in his throat, as he knew this was but a small taste of the horrors Jacinth had endured in his life. But to experience something like that at such a young age, it was hard to hear an innocence lost like that. He nodded to illustrate his attention as Jacinth continued. 

 

“When I got down there, he was still … he was still on the rope from the beam. The shattered bottles of alcohol below him were on the floor. The broken phone. I was so shaken, I ran to my father in hysterics. I could see he was angry, but he never once raised his voice. His anger wasn’t directed at me. I could see his anger was more directed at my fear. He took me from the building and we came to this exact park and we had a long talk about why my uncle felt the need to go to such extremes. He explained to me that my uncle was trying to fill an emptiness with mercenariness. A proverbial hole in his being that only became larger and more consuming that nothing material could sate. I was young, but I understood. My father, of course, guided me to understand how not to be myopic either. To know that wealth has its privileges, and those privileges should be expressed with gratitude and exercised in things like experience and care for others, because I would be afforded things that most would not have. He spoke of his parents’ approach to wealth and business, with purpose. But mostly, to understand myself, and not let myself fall into such. I, of course, have had a natural desire toward the allure of wealth and possession. And each time, the article only brought with it a fleeting happiness … not even an elation, as it always lost its novelty within days. When moments like that occurred, I would realize these were but a taste of what my uncle most likely felt, and what my father warned me about. It scared me and I was determined to find genuine joy.”

 

As Jacinth let out a deep breath — one that seemed to release and relieve any solemn emotions that came with relaying a part of his personal past — he recalled a historical story and offered as he spoke. 

 

“There are many people with whom you share this good company. One that comes to mind was a pre-Bottleneck ruler who was well-documented by primary and secondary sources to have had all of what one could ask for in riches and want. One of the primary sources was his own journal, one in which he wrote about how many days he was happy. In all his journaling, he only counted a couple of weeks in total. He tried to replicate those days, as he kept notes on what made him happy on a particular day. While some he was able to duplicate, he could never replicate his happy days in their entirety; noting some experiences were spontaneous. This led to post-Bottleneck studies in hedonic adaptation and the acceptance of the equilibrium. Because even when our material and biological needs are met, even beyond our ability to consume them, a state of sustained happiness can be an elusive goal.” 

 

He paused, as Jacinth’s expression was one of concentration and attention as he nodded for him to continue. 

 

“I bring this up as you mentioned the condition of egoistic altruism … and some of the very last journal entries from this man included the considerations of some spiritual path he was studying. While the path is lost to history, his interpretation was the premise that from his happiness, he could foster more happiness without dimming his own. He wondered in his words, if he would have done things differently, by engaging more in altruism, if he would have found the sustainable happiness he sought.”

 

He could not help but chuckle, as some of the memories attached to history came with them. He looked as Jacinth smiled lightly and encouraged. 

 

“Go on with your thoughts, please.” 

 

“Oh … it’s only when I learned such, most everyone in my class was adamant that this man would certainly not find happiness in such a manner as people in general ‘sucked ass,’ and would be wholly ungrateful for anything that was given,” As Jacinth laughed to the observation, he joined him and continued. “But don’t listen to them. They were pretty bitter and cynical people.” 

 

“I will take that under advisement,” Jacinth commented through his fading laugh. 

 

But as both their laughter faded, his mind was still trying to grasp the connection between Jacinth’s uncle passing and his fears of egoistic altruism. He shook his head as he asked. 

 

“Let me get this straight. You’re judging yourself for the potential of receiving a psychological boost … an emotional pat on the back … for doing the right thing?”

 

“That would be an aspect of my concern, yes,” Jacinth responded with a singular nod, but continued as he elaborated. “Though it is a tad more involved than that. My concern is I will simply trade one for another. That I will become dependent on the … emotional high, as it were, of doing the right thing.”

 

“No, no, no … you’re a perfectionist. I’m well aware of that. But as a close friend, I have to be forthright with you and tell you that’s extreme; even for you,” he pointed out with a shake of his head. But as Jacinth’s face fell to one of concern, he quickly elaborated on his thoughts as he continued. “You’re holding yourself to obscene expectations. You’re presenting yourself with a purity test that is subjective at best, unobtainable at honest. And I think I understand you … that your concern is the accolades you dare give yourself will become the driving factor of your intentions, and the ends will suffer from those means. Don’t mistake me, intent has a role to play. However, if you are truly doing right and good, then the intent has already taken care of itself. Doing right and good stands on its own merits. Where is this coming from?”

 

“As I alluded to earlier, I’m approaching a crossroads of sorts,” Jacinth answered quietly, in almost a sad tone, before he continued. “I have a choice to make. A particular choice, one to which I am leaning, will have a significant ripple effect. I have to be clear, in my mind, in my intentions, of what I am doing before I make this choice. If I move forward with the wrong intent, I feel it may doom it. At best, there will be serious repercussions. It could destabilize a great many things. People. Countries. I am questioning myself. I need to make certain that what I am about to embark on is based on what truly is good and right and not something that is based on a selfish desire.”

 

He turned his attention to Raer, who had remained silent through Jacinth’s and his words. Her expression was one of concern as well, but moreover, one of deep contemplation. The pause seemed to catch her attention as she looked up from the table and spoke in a reflective but serious tone. 

 

“I … I’m sorry to say I don’t think you’re being wholly honest with us. Please, let me speak my mind before you respond. Tane is correct. Because what would be worse? To perhaps have to be hyper-aware of your intentions and live with yourself being imperfect and enjoying helping society? Or to not do anything and watch those consequences unfold? And Tane is further correct. You don’t paralyze yourself into inaction based on arbitrary standards. Perfection is truly the enemy of good. And if I’m incorrect here … then let me say you’re not wrong to ask this of yourself, Jacinth. I respect your humility. Your ability for introspection. Because yes, you are coming to a crossroads and the consequences could be vast and cast very long shadows. But Jacinth … I know you. Your intellect. Your self-awareness. I firmly believe it would prevent you from tainting and perhaps ultimately warping what you wish to accomplish. You’re not afraid of egoistic altruism. What are you really afraid of?” 

 

He again swallowed the knot that was rising in his throat as he turned his attention back to Jacinth. Jacinth, in what seemed to be a moment of hard truth presented by Raer, almost looked to flush and catch as he visibly swallowed around the knot, easily perceivable in his throat. Jacinth breathed out and spoke in a cracked voice. 

 

“I am afraid to die. I don’t want to die. And desperation can find many ways to navigate around fears, just as it did my uncle.”

 

He watched as Jacinth pulled from his pocket a handkerchief and brought it up to both eyes individually, as if to cease any emotions that may have been prodding at the banks of his lids. He chuckled as he examined the handkerchief and spoke with almost a sigh of relief. 

 

“This is why I wished to speak with you. Why I adore you. You are genuinely otherworldly kind to me. But also fair. You ask me the direct, hard questions I seemingly cannot ask myself.” 

 

Raer smiled from the kind words of Jacinth as she offered in a comforting tone. 

 

“I know you are, dearest Jacinth. Didn’t want to sound harsh. I just … I know your soul. You’re the very best of men. I would put my life on the line for your intentions.”

 

“You have,” Jacinth interrupted with a firm affirmation.

 

Raer nodded to his words and continued. 

 

“And I always will. Because I carry that much faith in you. But that aside, I believe you’re presenting this question because you’re looking for a way to talk yourself out of it. By presenting yourself with an excuse to say ‘no’ to the choice, using the narrative of impure intentions as the reason. I’m reading you correctly, yes?”

 

He watched as Jacinth looked at Raer with a feared expression and nodded. He again spoke around the rising choke in his voice. 

 

“I meant what I said. I am afraid to die. The altruism narrative is a genuine concern, but it is truly overshadowed by my own personal fears. And yes, you read me correctly. I have been looking for an excuse … a means of escape. But I simply cannot. I have to see this through. I hoped by speaking with you … you would relinquish my doubts in both of my concerns.”

 

He watched as the gentlest of smiles came to Raer as her head tilted to the side. It was a welcoming smile that even made him feel warm and comforted before she even spoke her words. But as her smile widened, her words came forward in heartening intonation.

 

“I believe Tane’s and my opinions on the former are deft enough to provide you with the guidance you need. As for the latter … I’ve been informed of … potential futures. I will be straightforward and say I can’t guarantee your path won’t come without pain and fear. However, I want you to remember that you have some of the greatest minds and hearts walking with you. Most are unseen, blended into the crowds … hovering in light. But they are always there, watching. And are always ready to support you when you’re in need. Most importantly, they will not fail you.”

 

“Must it always involve pain?” Jacinth asked with a pitch of relief and jest. 

 

“So it’s said, the things worth doing usually do,” Raer responded with a light chuckle. 

 

He watched as Jacinth let out a controlled breath and reached for his meal to bring back before him. It was an action he mimicked with sincerity as he felt his breath come out through rounded lips, as the intensity of the moment was weighing heavily on him. It was a confession from Jacinth that he himself shared. The fear of the end. But it was becoming clear that whatever Jacinth was planning, it carried with it a significant amount of danger that was holding Jacinth back. That alone brought with it a correlated angst. Yet, knowing Jacinth well, it also brought with it hope.​​​